They always say that it’s best to start at the beginning. But the beginning of what exactly? What got me started on this journey? The first things I can remember in life? A major life event? Who knows. I sure as hell don’t. So, I guess we’ll start with a bit of opaque information about me and why I started this.

I’m a very outspoken woman from the northeast. Warning. I curse and I refuse to apologize for it. People say I tawk with an accent cause I drink my cawfee and love chawcolate. And it really is pork roll – Taylor Ham is just a brand. I’d tell you the exit, but that would give it away. I met my now husband when we were both in our late 20’s before he joined the military and we got married after he’d been in a couple years. We started a family and have been at several duty stations since we have been married. We’ve done the on post, the off post, the trainings, the deployments, the rotations, etc etc. Thankfully, our marriage is still strong after almost 10 years and 2 kids and all the stressors that come with the military life. I’m blessed that I’ve got a very flexible work from home job (no, not direct sales) that has allowed me to remain part of the working world but also be there for my family.

All my life I’ve been the capable one. I’ve been that strong, no nonsense person. Pull up the big girl panties and get shit done. I’ve overcome financial hardships, personal losses, job and career changes, rough breakups, etc. But through it all, I just (pardon the word choice) soldiered on. I try not to look back, instead look forward cause you can’t change the past. I’ve never been good about sharing emotions, I’ve tended to pull inwards when things get rough as it’s hard for me to ask for help, and I bottle emotions up really well. (It’s an art form – Too bad I can’t make money doing it!)

It took a couple really good friends being very open about their mental health journey and seeing a ton of posts on social media before I realized that despite all my “I’m fine” and other such BS that I probably should start seeing a therapist. That I likely had undiagnosed depression and anxiety. The worst part is, the more I looked into this, the more a lot of my actions made sense. It still took me over two years to actually set up an appointment once I had that self awareness.

I made all the excuses. It’s not really that bad. I don’t need to take up a therapists time, there are so many with it worse. What do I have to complain about? I’ve got a gorgeous family, loving spouse, decent enough kids (beware the parent who says their kid is perfect cause I don’t think it truly happens), and from the outside looking in – a great life.

But realistically, it wasn’t. I was angry, depressed, repressing emotions, short tempered, stressed, and a myriad of other negative emotions and behaviors. But I was really good at putting on a happy, strong façade for pretty much everyone. Including my husband. I have one amazing friend that I have been open with regarding the struggles and without her, I’ve no idea how I could have made it as far as I did. She never judged and she gently guided me to a point that I finally reached out and took the steps needed to get my mental health together.

As this progresses, my goal is to share the struggles. Give myself an outlet to process through things as I work to change my mindset and many things deeply seated from my childhood. To discuss the challenges of being a military spouse and share resources. Like any blog, this is going to be a living thing, evolving as time goes forward. Some of you may end up recognizing me from bits that you read or that I share. I simply ask that until I’m comfortable revealing it that you don’t 🙂 I hope you enjoy taking this journey with me!